As much is this blog has focused on my photography, it started as, and always will be my personal journal for my day to day life. This is where I record my history. This post is going to focus more on the everyday than on photography.
And it's not going to be pretty.
Two weeks ago today, my grandpa died. We knew it was coming, since he had been diagnosed with terminal cancer back in August. But it is still difficult. He is the first of my grandparents to pass away. I consider myself so fortunate to have reached my age and have all my grandparents, that I was able to introduce them to my children, to have had 4 generations of family together.
My feelings are a bit mixed. I'm grateful he passed peacefully and that he lived to a ripe, elderly age. But I also know he probably would have been gone a long time ago if it wasn't for my wonderful nurse of a grandma. She has taken great care of him for so long. He did many things contradictory of good health, and she took care of him through it all.
When I was a kid, I was sometimes scared to stay at their home. Not because we were worried they wouldn't take care of me and my little brother. But because strange things would sometimes happen. Grandpa was an alcoholic and a diabetic, an awful combination. Sometimes in the night we would wake to him yelling in the hallway, arguing with grandma. It would be obvious he was not thinking clearly or rationally, from a diabetic reaction. Grandma would always bring him back to normal by morning.
When I was a teenager he started going to AA. I was finally able to enjoy his company. My kids have never known that irrational, scray side of him. They know the side I mostly saw as a kid, a slender little guy sitting at his desk, telling corny jokes, full of interesting tidbits, and always willing to share his candy. For that I am very grateful.
The last few months have been hard, partly because of the situation with Grandpa. But mostly because I have been becoming increasingly depressed. It started during May or June of last
year, but I kept busy and tried to work through it. Some days were better than others.
John and I were had not gotten along most of the summer and fall. The kids were starting to behave not as well as usual. Keeping my schedule busy with work, photography, deadlines, and activities with the kids had really helped get through the day to day crud. As I got busier toward October, I really wanted to throw in the towel. Then, I was hit with computer issues. And as much as that stuff frustrates me, it also gives me focus. It keeps my brain busy and sharp, giving me less time to misfire thoughts everywhere. I was able to buckle down, work through December, and get all the photos done for the season. I made it through the holidays OK, too. And sometimes I did it with a smile on my face.
In January, I made some changes. I quit working the front desk at work, but will continue from home. I decided to keep my schedule fairly open through March 15th, and get projects done around the house. I decided to focus on my boys, getting them into a better routine, working on manners and responsibilities, trying to get things I had let go back under control.
I was, however, on a downward spiral. Last week, I finally told John how I have been feeling for months. I really broke down. I had to tell him I feel hopeless, and worse, helpless. I want to crawl in bed and never get out. I want to sleep all day, and don't care if I ever wake up. I feel like I fail my children, my husband, and myself. I feel very insignificant.
Even though it was incredibly hard to vocalize all the horrible things I have been feeling and put words to it, I had finally reached out.
I saw a doctor last week. John has been trying harder to repair us. I think he finally knows I need and want help. I cannot keep ignoring the depression.
I have been depressed before. I had periods of depression through junior high and high school. I had it after having each of my kids. The irony is that I always try to convince myself it has to be something else, even after my brain and body tell me what it is .
I know this is the beginning of a long road. I've been on it before, and it may be a road I'm going to travel many more times in my life. I hope I'm strong enough for it.
I cannot say things are going to be awesome soon. I don't know if they will be good anytime soon. I am trying my best to look toward the future. Mostly I'm looking forward to a trip with the boys in March, a couple of weddings to photograph this spring, and hoping plans work themselves out for summer.
I realize I do have wonderful friends and family
around me. I really need them now. I really appreciate them now more than ever.
Thank you, Lorraine & Nicki, for making me feel important and special with the lovely flowers you sent. Thank you, Melanie, for listening. And, thank you John for just trying.
